Ending Messages are a series of notes found in the Office after punching out of any non-speedrun level. They are presented in the form of printouts and newspaper clippings "pinned" to random locations in the main room of the Office. Their purpose is to provide an immersive way to inform the player of how well they did, and what they may have missed in the cleaning of their last level. The player will also always find an email from a coworker among the completion notes.
The notices do not persist between sessions, which means unlike work-site employee notes found within levels, they cannot be saved or kept as trophies.
Some Ending Messages are directly tied to the player's level completion percentage, as recorded on the Report Screen in the Office. There are 6 possible completion states:
Please keep in mind that the text below has been pulled directly from the game's files, and any spelling mistakes or grammatical errors are intentional and found in the notices as well. Also note that some typos or words may have been fixed or changed since the original screenshots were taken.
Upon Fully Cleaning a Level and Stacking Items
Official Inspection Report
"I was genuinely impressed.
Not once in all my years have I seen such an efficient crew!
Not only was everything spotlessly clean and in order, it was also organized and tidy.
I would love for this to become the norm, therefore I am requesting that we raise the expectations of our employees. A higher bar will encourage better efficiency.
I foresee a troubled time for this crew, they are sure to be the envy of many of our more violent employees.
In the meantime, I encourage you to award this exceptional crew!"
Official Notice
Dear Employee:
Your exceptional performance has been noted. As I understand it, the inspector was most pleased.
On behalf of upper management, I have been asked to invite you to a closed ceremony in which we will award you for your conduct.
Many notable local dignitaries will be in attendance. Proper formal conduct is expected, failure to present yourself with dignity will lead to award forfeiture.
Also, thanks to you the performance marking system is being re-evaluated.
Thank you, and congratulations.
The Station Times ======================
AWARD WINNING DUMBASS
A janitorial employee was recently awarded for their 'above and beyond the call of duty' work ethic at a closed ceremony.
However, upon recieving the award, they shook hands with the station mayor, completely forgetting to change or even wash their gloves! The mayor was soon covered in blood and rushed to the nearest medical facility with a nasty infection.
The sanitation technician in question has since had their award stripped from them, and will have to settle for employee of the month and our personal 'Bungles' award.
Upon Completing an Acceptable Job Without Stacking Items
Official Inspection Report
"I found the cleaning to be satisfactory; a job done right.
Despite searching the facility from top to bottom, I was unable to find fault.
The cleaning crew employed to work on this sector performed as is expected, and I would recommend that they be pulled off the probationary list, for now.
If only every site I inspected was like this one, and if employees followed this example, but I know all too well what depths of incompetence others are capable of.
I'll be keeping a watchful eye on this cleaning crew to see if they slip up. When they do, I'll be there!"
Official Notice
Dear Employee:
After due consideration and thorough investigation it is the company's view that you should recieve a promotion.
You shall recieve the following benefits:
-Upgrade from 24x32' locker to a 26x40' version.
-A 5% salary increase!
-A 3 space jump on the safety equipment waiting list.
Keep up the good work and you could rise to the esteemed position of Sanitation Chief within 20 years!
Thank you, and have a nice day.
Upon Completion of Sub-Par Job
Official Inspection Report
"If a sanitation crew was employeed to work on this sector, I didn't see any sign of their work.
The facility was a mess! More than once I got blood on my suit after slipping on some unholy remnant of one of our employees.
I should think that if the cleaning crew had been here, there would be at least some indication of sanitation protocols being followed.
I would hope management intends to persecute these incompitent employees.
The next time I go on an inspection, I demand proper protective clothing!"
Official Notice
Dear Employee:
The sub-standard work ethic that you demonstrated last week will not be tolerated!
Consider this your official warning; shape up!
Given your performance, the following are now in effect:
-Instant dismissal from safety equipment waiting list.
-Reduction to an 18x24' locker.
-Negation of mail privileges.
-A downgrade to the F-Series Space-Mop.
Thank you, and good day.
Upon Getting Fired
Official Inspection Report
"Never, not even once have I witness a performance as laughably and horrifyingly incompetent as I did on friday.
The failure of the cleaning crew employed to work on the station during the week is extreme.
Should Management decide to continue employing these...individuals, I myself will have to resign.
As it is, I question how they were ever even employed in the first place!
I intend to inquire more over at Human Resources. Even if the people there are not from my department, something must be done!"
Official Notice
Dear Employee:
Your conduct during last week's work shift has lead to an official inquiry into the company's operations.
We cannot afford to continue employing such destructively incompetent individuals such as yourself.
Consider this your final notice; You are fired!
Authorities will be over to question you soon. You are to have your locker cleaned out by tomorrow, and you are to hand in your mop at once!
Thank you, and good day.
Upon Getting the Company Liquidated
Official Inspection Report
"I've seen some things, but never like this.
I am simply speechless, what could I possibly say?
Not a few feet into the facility and I was filthy! The amount of filth on every surface... beyond measure.
I didn't dare check the whole facility, I left as quickly as I could and I'm never going back, ever!
I would suggest firing these...savages, but I fear we'll need all the help we can get to clean this place up!
I need to see my doctor again. I just...AAAH
They don't train you to handle something like that!"
Official Notice
Dear Employee:
Your employment contract is hereby revoked.
We will not bother firing you. You'll be joining everyone else in retrenchment as the company shuts down.
I will make it my personal mission to ensure that every god damn station in the galaxy knows not to hire you, ever!
I wish I could see your face, but now I too must find a new job, with this stain on my record no less! May you rot in the salt mines of Koram!
Thank you, and enjoy the bitter taste!
Newspaper Clippings
Newspaper clippings are the game's way of informing the player about anything missed or incomplete in the cleanup of the level. Newspaper clippings appear in the Office and describe unfortunate events that result from the player's failures or oversights. The clippings come from a variety of publishers, many of which parody the names of real newspapers or newsletters such as The Onion or The Daily Mail.
Upon Leaving Messes
Blood Splatters
The Station Times ======================
DISTURBED MAN CONSUMES BLOOD
What began as an innocent attempt to locate ketchup for his Quasar-Emporer, Mr.P Haus instead found a patch of blood he believed to be ketchup
Upon consumption, he quickly discovered it was in fact blood, but instead of being disgusted, Mr. Haus obtained an unnatural taste for it, and has since started seeking it wherever and whenever he can.
The Administration are taking steps to punish those who left the blood within reach and thus brought about the official probe into the company's ongoing suspicious activities.
The Station Times ======================
WORKER SLIPS ON BLOOD; BLEEDS
Tragedy struck on Monday morning when Dr. A Gribbler was caught unaware by a small patch of blood from one of his former colleagues.
The blood remains unidentified, but the cause of the accident is clear; Failure on the part of the janitorial workforce.
An inquiry has been launched to discover who is responsible for the poorly sanitized facility.
Alien invasion not withstanding, heads will roll.
Soot or Scorch Marks
The Station Times ======================
BLIND MAN DISCOVERS BLACKNESS
A blind worker discovered dark scorch marks on the walls of the station last week.
How exactly he discovered them, no one knows. However, he spent 2 hours trying to convince someone to follow him and take a look themselves.
Ultimately, there was in fact nothing there, but scorch marks WERE found on the other side of the facility.
Management is currently seeking those responsible, and expect to have the culprits within a week.
The Outer Sprite ======================
DARKNESS GAINS GROUND; HAVE HOPE
The darkness is strong, but we must have hope, we must fight to the last, just as Mr. John Stevens (Fire Faerie) did.
Though the darkness enveloped his life, we as his fellow sprites who supported him, gave him light enough to reach the other side and beyond!
As to those who left the dark black scorch marks on the station, and gave the darkness passage, we must show them the way before they swallow us all.
We must guide them with light and love.
Pieces of Viscera
The Station Times ======================
SANITATION PROTOCOLS STINK
The start of the work day for many was met with a smell beyond description.
After hours of nauseating searching, workers found the rotting remains of a piece of viscera.
The station workforce is livid, and demand compensation for their immeasurable suffering.
Meanwhile, the company intends to punish those responsible with harsh full measures.
One thing is for sure, the whole matter reeks of incompetence, and gazes of suspicion abound.
The Quantum Trouper ======================
SANITATION PROTOCOLS ARE A LAUGH
Bungles, the station's resident clown has a new act; Viscera Juggling!
Workers are slacking off work all over the station to come see his latest performance.
After the success of his 'Banana Split' trick, the performance is sure to be just as good.
Management are poo pooing Bungles once again, but he remains defiant in the face of stern faces.
For the moment, management have turned their frowns towards the sad sanitation division. It sounds like they could use Bungles' unique talents!
Scientists from a nearby moon are furious after one of their Cyborg prototypes somehow escaped and made it to the station, where it had a critical error, shut down, fell over, and somehow exploded.
Its data core suggests a rare bug in the Cyborg's code caused it to crash after sighting station trash.
Administration board members are in talks with the scientists to resolve the issue and see that justice is done as swiftly as possible.
As it so happens, the sanitation crew is currently under investigation for their involvement.
The Garlic ======================
TRASH A HAZARD; STUDY FINDS
A new study shows that 82 percent of station trash is harmful to workers.
Researches are astonished by their own findings. Quoted to have said: "This is beyond anything we expected, we have proven conclusively that trash is in-fact harmful!"
"We hope this will open people's eyes, and bring about meaningful change."
Company management is reluctant to acknowledge responsibility. Instead, fingers are pointed at bereft custodians, who decry this unheard of action.
Broken Glass
The Station Times ======================
WORKER DISASSEMBLED BY GLASS
Early tuesday morning, station workers discovered a dismembered colleague(No one knew his name).
Station authorities believe the man's arm was severed after tripping on his shoes while attempting to pick up his illegal possession; Spice.
Administration have seized the substance for 'proper' disposal, and intend to "Peruse suspects at some point in the past". Whatever that means.
Either way, those responsible are sure to be treading carefully from now on.
The Station Times ======================
WORKER VITRIFIED WITH TERROR
Workers were in shock this week after discovering one of their colleagues had died mysteriously near some glass shards.
The worker in questions, a known psychotic case employed as part of the Lunarcy Initiative, is believed to have committed suicide after seeing his own reflection in shards of broken glass.
This is sure to put a dampener of the Lunarcy Initiative's ongoning program, and a black mark on the records of those responsible for the glass.
Spent Ammunition
The Station Times ======================
A BAD CASE(ING) OF INDIGESTION
A station office worker died the other day after consuming a Wang-Chow synthesized noodles meal.
Ordinarly no autopsy would be neccesary but it was performed anyway, and by chance it was discovered that he had eaten a shell casing.
Reports indicate it was a practical joke played by a fellow colleague. Bad blood perhaps?
Attempts are being made to find the suspect.
Meanwhile, management is using all its resources to punish the cleaning crew who left the shell casings on the scene they were employed to clean.
The Station Times ======================
CASING KILLS NUT CASE
None other than the 'Howler' himself was killed by a stray shell casing on monday morning.
Well known as a mythical figure and local legend on the station, this man has terrified many a worker with his odd howling sounds and occasional glimpses.
No one knows when he first appeared, or who he is. Now we may never, but at least his tormented utterences will cease.
The cause of his death remains suspicious, and there are certain to be punishments laid out for the stray casing that could have killed anyone.
Body Bags
The Station Times ======================
BODY BAGS AND BURGERS; CONNECTION?
Station investigators are seeking suspects for the death of a lab technician who died of an infectious disease after reportedly exposing himself to a contaminated body.
Authorities say that the man attempted to conceal his half-eaten soy-protein-replacement synthesized cheese burger (Quasar-Emporer) in a body bag. Why he would do such a thing, no one knows. One thing is clear though, he unsurprisingly caught the virus and died the next day.
Authorities intend to punish those who violated sanitation protocols by leaving the body bag on-site.
The Station Times ======================
DEAD BODY BAGS MAN
The monday morning workshift for Mr.Roger Hardbottom was one of pain and suffering.
While walking to the cafeteria he stumbled upon a malformed body bag. Upon releasing the zipper, Mr. Hardbottom was met with a pungent aroma. Reeling from the miasma, he tripped and fell on a sharp box edge, killing him instantly.
The administration is shocked that a body bag could ever possibly escape sanitation protocols.
Managment intends to bag a few suspects in response to this tragedy.
Buckets
The Station Times ======================
MAN KICKS BUCKET; DIES
Station staff were left in shock yesterday when a man mysteriously died after kicking over a bucket.
Management are doing their best to contain the situation, fearing a fresh bout of reduced work efficiency as word spreads and workers congregate in larger numbers and for longer times during coffee breaks.
How exactly the man died is unclear. However, management is clear on who to punish; the sanitation division.
Condolences were sent to the family for their loss.
The Station Times ======================
WORKER MARRIES BUCKET
Interplanetary matrimonial laws have seen many advances in recent years, and in celebration of that spirit, a man has been lawfully wedded to a bucket.
The man, having already previously married a desk, a coffee machine and a rubber glove is now married to over 12 different station articles.
Given the laws, and recent union successes, the man can claim seperate leave to spend time with each of his wives in turn.
Management has just about had it with Mr. S Capade, and are blaming the sanitation division for the bucket.
Disposal Bins
The Station Times ======================
DISPOSAL BINS; NO JOKE
At a recent staff tour, a man playing a prank played his last.
The man was attempting to hide underneath a Disposal Bin and surprise the tour as they passed.
However, as the man sprang to life, he promptly hit his head on an overhead pipe, toppled over backwards down the stairs, and became lifeless. His spine twisted oddly, the tour was cancelled.
Where the man got the bin is the million dollar question. However, management has some clue and are seeking out suspects.
Jackal News ======================
ALL KILLER NO BIN FILLER
An aggressive and vengeful murderer claimed Mr. G Mann last week.
The admin worker was attacked and beaten repeatedly with a Disposal Bin.
Liberal amounts of blood at the scene and especially on the man's briefcase indicate that the killer is a psychopathic lunatic who likely escaped from the nearby lunar asylum.
Administration is taking the matter seriously, and seek to punish the true culprits, incompitent sanitation workers.
Leaving the bin on the work site was an ill move.
Melted Scrap Piles
The Station Times ======================
MELTED SCRAP NOT ALL CRAP
Station workers discovered deposits of melted scrap during the week.
After being analysed, it was discovered that the scrap had come from valueable station property carelessly or maliciously melted down by a high energy plasma laser welder.
Dr.Uberbrau, a scientist on a nearby moon has proposed to take the the culprits who burnt company property off management's hands.
Dr.Uberbrau believes they could prove useful to his research, and is willing to pay handsomely.
The Station Times ======================
MELTED JUNK; LESS IN THE TRUNK
A worker was trapped for over 3 hours yesterday after stepping in a highly adhesive melted material left lying about.
Eventually the worker was freed, but not without losing his lower half(including his last good leg).
The melted material is believed to have come from incompetent sanitation staff who melted objects without properly disposing of them before they adhered to surfaces.
The costs to remove the material are expected to drain funds, and management seeks to make sure those responsible will never have a leg to stand on.
Lightning Guns
The Station Times ======================
SHOCKING DEATH DRAINS UNION POWERS
Union regulations have suffered a major setback after 2 workers electrocuted themselves with an HVC Mk9 Lightning Gun earlier this week.
Sketchy reports indicate that worker A tripped on the weapons trigger, and was then held in the air by the arc. Worker B rushed to his colleague's aid, grabbing the weapon. However, he was unable to depress the toggle-design trigger before the weapon overcharged.
Workers have since been issued TVE Squibb 5s as replacements.
Upon Not Tidying Up Properly
Leaving Barrels in Non-Upright Positions
The Station Times ======================
THE BARREL STRIKES BACK
A worker was mysteriously found dead the other day in a dark storage area.
Many theories abound, but only one answer; death by barrel.
Sources say that the worker tripped on an overturned barrel, fell and was then split in two by a sharp spanner edge.
This tragedy has lead management to urge caution until the culprits who left the barrel lying about are caught and punished.
The lethal spanner has since been melted down.
The Daily Rail ======================
OVERTURNED BARREL SLAYS WORKER
On Monday morning, Mr. A Nosferatu was going through his usual routine when it suddenly went horribly wrong.
From out of the shadows, a merciless and cruel killer pounced, blocking his way. Mr. Nosferatu was forced to topple over the silent killer, breaking his neck.
This is the second victim to have been claimed this month by overturned barrels while working on the station, both times in dark areas.
Workers are advised to carry extra protection.
Leaving the Incinerator Door Open
The Station Times ======================
HOT PROBLEM COOKS GOOSE
Failing ventilation systems and blazing heat awaited morning workers as they made their way to their work stations.
Reports indicate that a high temperature incinerator unit was left on with the doors open overnight causing significant damage to systems and a shortage of X-Butanateor gas.
Serial numbers on the unit point to the sanitation division, and may lead to the culprit.
The sanitation division is already in high waters, but this time they may be in the hot seat as well.
The Garlic ======================
GASSED WORKERS START CULT
A new cult has formed on the station, dedicated to worship of an X-Butanateor fuelled incinerator god.
Management is horrified, and demand answers. Meanwhile, scientists agree that the gas fumes have a psychological effect on those exposed, and could be the cause.
It would seem the gas was gradually released as the ageing incinerator unit, which was left on and open by the sanitation crew, gradually disignited but continued to release the gas.
The incinerator unit is yet to be removed.
Leaving Bullet Holes
The Station Times ======================
HOLE SPARKS PARANOIA
A small hole in the wall sparked panic and paranoia yesterday when Dr. Morton Boundman first sighted it.
Dr. Boundman, a known PTSD case, fled from the hole, promptly slipped, and broke his neck.
This 'hole', later discovered to be a left-over bullet hole from a recent 'outbreak', should have been cleared before the work day, however it seems the sanitation division may have neglected it.
The Administrator is personally seeking justice in this matter, having experienced similar fears as Dr. Boundman.
The Station Times ======================
BULLET HOLE A DRUG HOLE
Investigations into drug use on the Station finally lead to the arrest of a worker who hid his spice in a bullet hole in the wall.
Authorities were accusing management of poor conduct, claiming they could have found the drugs sooner if there were no bullet holes to hide spice in.
Management is of course blaming the sanitation division for the bullet hole's presence and are demanding that the culprits come forward.
The confiscated Spice has since vanished.
Leaving Lightning Scars
The Station Times ======================
CORPORATE SECRETS; HANDS OFF!
Earlier this week a worker was found "wedged" in a large scar shaped mark in the wall.
The worker, reportedly concealing corporate documents when they became stuck was eventually pried free of the wall, losing an entire hand in the process.
Having since been arrested, more questions than answers have come to the fore.
How did the "scar" get there, why was it still there? Management is following up on several suspects in the recently hired sanitation workforce.
Galactic News Network ======================
GRAFFITI PLAGUES STATION
A terrible bout of graffiti has been plaguing the station recently.
A "gang" of workers have been painting evocative images of legendary action star "Kojack Hammerhorn" over what appears to be a "lightning scar" from an HVC Mk9 Lightning Gun or some plasma-based device.
As "stunning" as the imagery may be, management are doing all they can to stamp out the practice.
Furthermore, they are hunting down the culprits who left the scar on the supposedly cleaned work-site.
Leaving Alien Virus Canisters
The Station Times ======================
ALIEN VIRUS PLAGUES STATION
Tragedy this week as reports of an alien virus outbreak increase, and administration takes action.
A complete lockdown has been issued, and caution is advised as sightings of 'Gooboids' increase.
Over 300 workers have taken ill and transformed. I too don't feel very well, and I think I will take this opportunity to write a goodbye on what may be my last article.
Whoever brought this about, I hope you're dying of it right now as well.
These festering tentacle sores are just murder, ohw!
The Integerologist ======================
SALVATION IS WITHIN OUR GRASP
The final hour is near, and salvation is at hand.
A virus with the powers of transformation has been unleashed by one of our members in the medical facility.
With this we have the power to become one with the gods, and ascend to greatness!
We must all ready ourselves and give ourselves up willingly to the virus' powers.
We must not allow administration to contain the virus, or repremand the followers that unleashed our potential.
Failing to Restock First-Aid Kits
The Station Times ======================
THE PACK IS A LIE; CLAIMS ADMIN
Yesterday afternoon, an administrative employee was filing his paper work when he accidentally cut his finger on a post-it note.
Panic-stricker, he searched the facility for medical supply units. Mr. P Doefile, being unable to find any, tragically died soon thereafter.
Management is furious about the loss of a valued space-golfing partner, and seek to catch the culprit of this brutal accident.
Reproachful eyes peer in the direction of sanitation staff, who were working in the area the night before.
The Station Times ======================
NO AID FOR NO.1 ACCIDENT
Horrified workers discovered an injured pantless man during the morning shift last week.
The man, believed to have mysteriously cut himself in the lavatory, had run panic-stricken all over the facility in search of First-Aid.
Concerned by the gazes of onlookers, he ran with increased haste, ultimately leading to further injury.
Catching his already open pants on a wall bolt, he tripped, lost his pants and slid into a pile of crates.
Administration has launched a full investigation into the absence of any restocked First-Aid supply units.
Upon Removing Non-Trash Objects
Disposing of or Stealing the Laser Welder
The Administratum ======================
INCOMPETENCE BURNS B&C RATING
In a shocking turn of events, incompetent employees have illegally disposed of (or stolen) valuable company property... again.
The continual failure on the part of our employees means we have lost our 'Briefcase & Charlie' company rating. As a result, there will be less company parties and memorabilia.
Are we going to sit by while the lesser staff burn away our administrative privileges?
I think it's time we dealt with these so-called employees once and for all!
(This message can be triggered by hiding the laser welder in the Janitor's Trunk or disposing of it in the incinerator, among other means. It also appears to be triggered by doing the same with First Aid Supplies)
Level-Specific
Zero-G Therapy: Leaving Gravity Turned Off
The Papanazzi ======================
BIG-G'S ZERO-G; NO.1 HIT
Rapper superstar, Big-G, was recording his new music video (Makin da Big-Gs), when tragedy struck.
Mr.Big was planning on shooting a scene in the recently cleansed Zero-G sector on the now famous 'Polyphemus-Station'. It featured alien props, phat hos and 'space-ghetto' homies.
Unfortunately, the gravity was off, and once Big-G entered the facility he lost his footing and spiraled into a broken oxygen supply pipe.
The facility's administration is under investigation, but they are accusing the sanitation division instead.
Ferret News ======================
ZERO-GRAVITY; ZERO MERCY
Gravity, the mass murderer. It strikes without mercy, without bias and without warning. That is exactly what happened to Mr. P Fontein on monday morning.
Upon making his way to his work station, he found himself suddenly weightless. Excited by the sense of losing 300 pounds for the first time, he kicked off from the ground.
Soon after he was violently impaled on sheet metal in a shower of floating blood and viscera.
Company management is searching for employees to blame. Meanwhile, calls for return of corporal punishment laws grow louder, and justifiably so.
Cryogenesis: Not Stacking Cryogenic Storage Canisters
The Ablution Times ======================
LIQUID NITROGEN; ICE-COLD KILLA
Workers discovered a Corpsicle earlier this week.
The remains of what were once some nameless worker were disposed of in an incinerator unit. Reports indicate that there was much crackle and pop.
Izanagi Corporation are pursuing those responsible for the stray, un-stacked cryo-storage canister. Their punishment is sure to be worse than a cold shoulder.
Janitorial staff are currently the prime suspects, so long as the trail doesn't run cold.
Hydroponic Hell: Leaving Empty Planters
The Station Times ======================
PEER PRESSURE TAKES ROOT
Genetics and Botanaists are in an uproar this week after discovering their seed beds were not properly restored.
Ordinarily the Administrator would dismiss such nonsense outright, as gardening is not a requirement of the cleanup division.
However, recent poor performance and malicious damage to the administrator's record and property have made him vengeful.
The sanitation workers are sure to be punished for their past misdeeds, not least of all by their peers.
Hydroponic Hell: Leaving Weeds
The Station Times ======================
WEEDS FEED ON DWEEBS
In a tragic turn of events, a subordinate worker was eaten by a hungry 'Colmillius Firaxis' on wednesday.
Workers were apprehensive to discuss the matter but none the less, the truth was revealed.
Reports indicate a group of workers got together to dare each other to stick their arms into the Firaxis' jaw region. It wasn't long before one worker lost his arm, and soon thereafter, everything else.
The co-workers of the deceased are blaming their sanitation colleagues as bad blood runs freely.
Hydroponic Hell: Leaving Pus Pods
La Botany ======================
TUMORS SLAY CARELESS BOTANISTS
Another anomalous creation from Hydraxylocon Genetics is making headlines this week.
Spawned from a mistake in the genetic splicing procedure. The so-named 'Pus Pod' is more of a fungi or infection than anything else.
It is as deadly as it is foul smelling, having already claimed 3 workers since the sanitation crew employed to clear away the tumors failed to do so.
Not the kind of thing you'd want in your arboretum, that's for sure!
Unearthly Excavation: Not disposing of the "Artifact"
The Pandemonium ======================
PSYCHOSIS OUTBREAK RETURNS
Horror, shock, death, outrage!
A small taste of the evil unleashed by a mysterious force on a core mining planet in the outer systems.
Reports indicate the mining facility was previously decimated by the same cause, and that the new batch of workers have butchered each other, their innards strewn upon the sands!
The fact that Unicorp Mining Operations and Aerospace Sanitation Inc. tried to cover up this deadly contagion cannot be overlooked.
They must be punished, along with their employees!
Unearthly Excavation: Not Burying All Pit Monsters
The Station Times ======================
MONSTER FEASTS ON LONGPIG
A worker was devoured by a monsterous sand trap earlier this week.
Suspicions fill the air as workers blame each other for foul play.
More likely than not, the worker tripped and fell into the trap while attempting to fill it in.
Management is of course blaming the cleanup crew. After all, it was their job to cover the unsightly orifice.
If these horrendous "man traps" are not dealt with soon, more workers will likely become hors d'oeuvres for intersteller stomaches.
Revolutionary Robotics: Leaving Robotic Debris
The Station Times ======================
WORKER'S D.I.Y CYBERNETICS GOES WRONG
A station employee was discovered with a piece of high-tech robotics lodged in the base of his skull this week.
Examination of the employee's "home" revealed an underground cyber enhancement surgery.
Sources say the man attempted to integrate with the broken piece of robotics, which was little more than unsalvageable debris from a recent "incident".
The family and a wealthy investor are suing Aerospace Sanitation for loss of life. The crew responsible is sure to be punished.
Galactic News Network ======================
WORKER AND PRO HACKER KILLS PEOPLE
In rather more shocking news than yesterday's seal sanctuary, a pirate-security post on a neighboring station was decimated late last-night.
The incident is said to be the cause of rogue agent and hacker; Cypher.
What little is known of the incident is that the tech needed was aquired from a recently troubled facility, and that it was from a broken robotics unit.
This new information could lead to the true identity of "Cypher", but for now management is focussed on the sanitation division.
Revolutionary Robotics: Not disposing of the "E-1000 Eliminator"
The Station Times ======================
E-1000 ASSIMILATES ION-VEHICLE
Unusual news this week as a station executive reported that his limited edition Staccato, Ion-Powered luxury sedan was "attacked" by an E-1000.
The machine was said to be transforming the vehicle into a command center of some kind.
Attempts to negotiate with the machine were met with the hollow response: "That's not one of my mission parameters".
Forunately the situation was contained before more E-1000s could interface with it. OmniCorp are blaming Aerospace Sanitation for this, oddly.
Galactic News Network ======================
E-1000 LOOSE ON CITY HIGHWAYS
We'd like to issue a warning to anyone using the ionic-highways at the moment.
Reports indicate that an E-1000 has escaped a nearby facility, attacked several bikers from the "Devil's Advocates" and taken their clothing.
The machine is incredibly dangerous, so please exercise caution if you see suspicious strangers.
Meanwhile, lawyers are fighting to pass the blame onto the working class. It looks like Aerospace Sanitation are holding a cleaning crew responisible.
Revolutionary Robotics: Not disposing of the "Domestabot" (also triggered by leaving Spartan Phoenix guns unloaded with ammo)
The Station Times ======================
WORKER MARRIES DOMESTABOT
In what can only be described as dysfunctional, Mr.S Capade, a name you might be familiar with, has once again been lawfully wed.
This time it's a D-3 domestabot droid!
We can only say that at least his tastes are "improving"; his new wife has more intelligence than a bucket, or even a "Thor" close-shave razor.
Management of course is livid that Mr.S Capade was able to get his hands on yet another item of interest.
The sanitation division is said to be responsible yet again.
Galactic News Network ======================
DOMESTABOT STABS POOCH
Tragic news this week when a D-3 Droid malfunctioned, killing the wealthy billionaire Charles Fabroge's priceless schnauzer, Cuddlesworth with a kitchen knife.
The Droid unit was reportedly re-activated only recently after a major incident at the facility where it was deployed.
Evidence suggets the unit was meant to be decomissioned by the sanitation crew set to work in the area. It would seem, they have failed.
An auction is to be held for the dog's remains.
Revolutionary Robotics: Not replacing all Spartan Sentry Guns
The Station Times ======================
NO SENTRY NO SAFETY
Terrible news from a troubled local facility this week.
Due to an unrepaired Spartan: Pheonix Edition sentry gun, a terrormunist was able to make off with a priceless D-3 Droid: Companion Edition, as well as murder an employee who came to admire it.
Military forces have been called in to find and apprehend the terrormunist.
The administration is holding the sanitation division personally responsible for the loss.
The Quantum Trouper ======================
MIMING FOR THE MASSES
Bungles, having now grown to super-star status, has a new act!
After spending weeks perfecting his miming, Bungles has unveiled his act that showcases the actions of an incompetent workman attempting to repair a Spartan: Pheonix Edition sentry gun.
Watch as he gets shot, electrocuted, and falls over every 30 seconds!
Workers are slacking off work all over the station to come see his new skills and so should you, despite what management will do to you!
Revolutionary Robotics: Leaving Robot Footprints
Galactic News Network ======================
MYSTERY FOOT SCAM UNRAVELLED
A local scam was recently unravelled when a man was caught in the act of charging visitors and tourists for a coveted glance at little more than the dented footprint impression of a large security robot.
Fees were sometimes reportedly in excess of *50 Vaders.
All of the money has since been confiscated.
Questions have arisen as to how this took place right under management's nose for so long.
However, the administrator is already blaming the sanitation division for the footprint's presence.
Galactic News Network ======================
OFFICE GAME DISRUPTS EFFICIENCY
A series of broken limbs and bruises in the work place were finally explained this week when a shocked administrator discovered her workforce "playing games" with an office chair and some kind of foot-shaped dent in the floor.
A low game-ranking worker confessed the rules of the game, revealing the objective to be "furthest jump".
The employees have since been punished, but the search is on for those responsible for leaving the floor in a state of disrepair.
Incubation Emergency: Leaving Alien Egg Splat
The Station Times ======================
NOXIOUS SCENT SENSELESS VIOLENCE
Over a dozen workers from a nearby research facility have been thrown in the slammer following an outbreak of senseless violence that lead to broken science equipment and severe injuries.
The cause is believed to have been patches of embryonic fluid, likely from an alien egg broken on the premises.
The substance is well known to cause terrible brain damage with repeated exposure.
Investigators are busy probing the matter more closely, and expect to have a list of suspects by the end of the week.
Galactic News Network ======================
FOOT LOOSE AND FANCY FREE
Tragic news this week after a wife, utterly smitten with her husband and colleague slipped on a "yolky substance" while attempting to surprise him with a custom-made lab coat.
The woman reportedly broke her ankle and cracked her skull, leaving her with no knowledge of her husband and a fierce love for Cro-Magnon P.I.
Devastated by his wife's condition, the husband attempted to murder the actor who plays the popular caveman, but was stopped and eventually committed.
Incubation Emergency: Not disposing of the "Biomass"
The Station Times ======================
BIOMASS DESTROYS FLEET
Investigations into the destruction of the Corhal fleet last week has finally turned up some conclusive evidence.
It appears that the fleet, composed of over forty-three vessels, was blown apart by the rogue path of a shuttle which crashed into the reactors of the flagship, causing a chain reaction.
The shuttle's engines are believed to have malfunctioned due to deposits of "Alien Biomass".
A susbstance that found its way onto the shuttle from its last known point of departure; a nearby research facility.
The Culinary Critic ======================
TODAY'S SPECIAL; GLOBULES
One is greeted, upon entering Hutt's Kitchen, with the putrescent aroma of a violation against nature, shortly presented to you as "food".
You dare to order the day's special from a repugnant waiter; fresh alien biomass globules, a choice that will haunt you and the nearest Big John receptacle for days to come.
Indeed, it will continue to torment your system until death seems the preferable alternative.
A culinary catastrophy as vile as this demands a sturdy digestive system and an even sturdier law suit.
Incubation Emergency: Leaving Creep
The Reel Deal ======================
CREEP ATTACKS FILM STARS
Shooting of the highly anticipated film, The Glorbon Tentacles of Zylab-7 has been delayed due to the loss of a number of cast members after they were literally "consumed" on-film by mysterious alien tentacles, albeit originally part of the script. Reports suggest the alien lifeform was obtained by the props-master, unaware that they were in-fact the real thing.
Fortunately, Sgt. Jack Hammer was there playing his part with live ammunition, and contained the situation before it could worsen.
The director, thrilled with the actors' performance of the scene has decided to leave it in the film.
The Melancholia ======================
YOUR TENDRILS WRAP AROUND MY HEART
Our featured author this week is a poet and wealthy businessman from the nearby Terminus Systems.
His masterful poem is a tale of woe and romance, inspired by his recent terminal illness.
The doctors say he's contracted an alien lifeform commonly known as "creep", and that it has wrapped itself around his heart, slowly killing him.
The author, despite having accepted his fate, is using his connections to launch a manhunt for any group or organization that could be in some way responsible for his condition.
Incubation Emergency: Not restoring the Incubator
The Station Times ======================
SCRAMBLED EGGS OF DEATH
A whole series of serious mutations have afflicted a group of scientists at a nearby research facility after they repotedly came into to work to discover what appeared to be scrambled eggs on offer in the cafeteria.
However, it turned out to be a practical joke by one of the technicians who found melted egg-like substances freely available.
Most likely due to Aerospace Sanitation's failure to properly restore the samples to operational Incubator units.
Authorities are continuing to investigate the matter.
Galactic News Network ======================
"HOT HEAD" MURDERER ARRESTED
The culprit responsible for last week's now famous "hot head" murders has been found to be the lead scientist at the very facility where the heads of several employees were first discovered in Incubation cabinets.
The scientist is believed to have been angered by improperly restored incubators ruining his research, and blamed his staff for the failure, ultimately decapitating them and placing their heads back in the cabinets as a warning.
Authorities are continuing to investigate the matter thoroughly to ensure no loose ends.
Uprinsing: Leaving Vials of Acid
The Station Times ======================
BUNGLES' ATTACKER AT LARGE
An unofficial manhunt has begun after it was recently revealed that the Bungles' tragic debilitation was no mere accident.
New evidence suggests the beloved clown's "acid drinking" prop was switched with a dose of Aerospace Sanitation Corrosive Liquid.
A substance that, unlike Bungle's "fake acid", is extremely dangerous.
Bungles' large fan-base are searching for the culprit, and are making it clear that anyone even partly responsible for allowing access to such a highly hazardous substance will be treated just as harshly as Bungles' esophagus.
Robo Publique ======================
QUANTUM POTATO STOLEN
A shocking report this week detailing theft of the "Quantum Potato" --a super- intelligent Quantum AI house in the famous art piece of Jean Pierre De La Merde, by all accounts a priceless work of art-- indicates that the brazen thief used Aeorpsace Sanitation's acidic chemicals to "melt" security measures.
Authorities, as well as wealthy oligarchs are using their vast resources to discover how the thief managed to gain such easy access to the substance.
Needless to say, whomever is responsible, is certain to be facing a most corrosive group of fashionistas.
Uprinsing: Leaving Graffiti
The Station Times ======================
WALL LICKER: "A HARD CASE"
Authorities are at a loss in the ongoing case of the now dubbed "Wall Licker"; a man who has been licking the paint off of offices all around the station after sampling a particularly tasty patch of graffiti.
Mr. Devian Snakely, a lawyer with the inter-station justice commitee has reportedly stated that, and I quote: "It's a hard case for sure.
There is no law or precident yet in-place governing the licking of station wall-paint. The accused is in a sense, a trend-setter."
More on this juicy story as it develops.
The Cubicle Caterwaul ======================
RADIOACTIVE PAINT KILLS STAFF
Horrifying, shocking, terrifying, debilitating.
These are some of the words that describe a situation suffered by one group of office workers forced to endure intense radiation damage from radioactive paint on their office's walls.
Management has failed to accept responsibility for this horrible affair, instead deciding to point fingers at their own sanitation staff, citing them as "the bane of all things good".
Whomever is responsible, it is hoped that they soon be brought to justice for murdering so many beloved workers.
Uprinsing: Not disposing of Picket Signs
The Station Times ======================
PSYCHO IMPALES EXECUTIVE
Countless executives have come out in protest of the savage death of a fellow corporate executive recently found dead in his office, apparently impaled to his "Imperious-100" chair by means of what appears to be a sharpened picket.
Investigation revealed that the picket was from a recently quelled janitorial uprising.
Something that was kept very hush hush, until a surviving Janitor discovered the stray picket and went berserk.
The Janitor in question has since confessed and is expected to soon be tried without an appeal.
The Easel Way Of Life ======================
THE JANITORS ARE REVOLTING
A rather risqué art exhibit by nortorious artist Val Du Pisse is now showing on the station.
Something that has deeply unsettled the local administrator due to its central exhibit; a revolutionary picket crafted by Janitors from a recently failed uprising.
Reports suggest the uprising was swept under the rug, and no mention of it was made until Val Du Pisse was given the article by a survivor.
Be sure to visit this fascinating exhibit before it's too late!
Trivia
The return address listed on documents sent from Aerospace Sanitation Inc. is "Floor 11, Administration Sector B5, L. Ron Quadrant, Hubbaria (Moon 5)". This is a reference to L. Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology. It suggests that the corporation the player works for has strange ties to religious organizations / areas of the galaxy.[1]
There an unused/removed newspaper clipping for leaving creep in Incubation Emergency found in the PunchoutInfo.int game file.[2]
CREEP INCORPORATES INSPECTOR
"After several days of investigations into a missing Aerospace Sanitation inspector, strong evidence suggests the man was consumed by a growing patch of alien tendrils known as "creep".
Attempts to recover the inspector's body has proved impossible, having already been assimilated into the organism.
Ongoing investigations continue to work though the limited pool of suspects blamed for the intact "creep's" presence."
