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Emails from colleagues are printed notes the player receives upon completion of a level, as a way to add further immersion to the game. They are posted in the Office along with any relevant Ending Messages.

The emails are usually angry or spiteful in content, and often in the form of death threats. They fall into three basic categories, dependent on the player's score:

  • Promotion Envy (score 70% and above; "Acceptable", "Excellent", or Employee of the Month ratings)
  • Goodbye Notes (score 69% and below; "Awful" rating, Player is Fired)
  • Company Shut-Down (score -25% and under, received by punching out leaving a bigger mess)

It should be noted that none of the actions or threats in the emails are actually carried out during gameplay.

Promotion Envy Edit

Threat-Envy1

Subject: Watch Your Back Edit

Date: 05/09/2184 11:45 AM
From: *sender hidden*
Subject: Watch Your Back

Dear colleague:

One day, and that day may never come, you will be cleaning when suddenly you find yourself stuck in an airlock, or under a lift.
That will be me.

You will be mopping blood when a panel hits you on the head.
That will be me.

You will be operating the Slosh-O-matic when it suddenly sucks you in.
That will be me.

I am a patient person, I can wait until the time is right.

Everytime you do a good job, remember that!

-Anonymous

Threat-Envy2

Subject: I'm coming for you! Edit

Date: 06/09/2184 11:45 AM
From: realbumstuff12@slochmail.com
Subject: I'm coming for you!

Yo what up, bitch!

You totally fucked me over, asshole.
That promotion was mine, and I won't forget!

I'm coming for you, dickhead.
Next shift...I'll be waiting.

You won't know me, but I'll know you, bitch!

-Your fucking nightmare, yo!

Threat-Envy3

Subject: Dangerous Places Edit

Date: 06/09/2184 2:31 AM
From: itchycrotchingelf@failmale.com
Subject: Dangerous Places

Dear asshole colleague:

Next time you take a promotion from me, Ima gonna shove you in the incinerator thing!

This station is full of dangerous shit, no bodies gonna ask questions when another worker dies horribly, and believe me I know all the horrible places.

When I'm through with you, I'm gonna enjoy mopping up your sick ass body!

-One pissed colleague

Threat-Envy4

Subject: Dear Jackass Edit

Date: 06/09/2184 12:01 PM
From: dodgydoug@hatemail.com
Subject: Dear Jackass

Dear Jackass:

You stink like doggy doo doo, dude.
I hope you fall down the stairs and die!

Your songs/movies/art/work/face sucks, bad!
PS: Eat shit and die!

This message was generated by hatemail.com, super low price hatemail delivered directly to your target.

Pick from a host of favorites!

-HateMail.com: don't be hating, be mailing!

Goodbye Notes Edit

Threat-Goodbye1

Subject: Good riddence! Edit

Date: 06/09/2184 1:05 PM
From: papalpal@sickos.com
Subject: Good riddance!

You're fired, LOLOLOLOLOL!!:

LOL! You loser, you got fired!
I couldn't be more pleased, working with you has been worse than my damn haemorrhoids!

I can't wait to be shot of you, jackass.
You and your stupid nancy mop-work.

I look forward to working alone, or maybe I'll get a partner. Even 'Scratchy-Crag' Craig would be better than you!

This is a good day for me, but not for you LOL!!!

-An 'Employee', lol!

Threat-Goodbye2

Subject: Party Time! Edit

Date: 05/09/2184 5:52 PM
From: crumpetbuns5@sloshmail.com
Subject: Party Time!

About fucking time!:

I've been waiting so long for this, and finally they fired your ass!
BOOYEAH!

I'd kiss the suit who finally put your name on the list.

Now I won't have to suffer your pathetic cleaning style anymore, always swabbing those floors like it's a pustule.

I think I'm gonna celebrate by getting as drunk as I can on Fat Man, hallelujah!

-One gleeful homie!

Company shutdown Edit

Threat-Retrenched1

Subject: WTF! Edit

Date: 06/09/2184 4:05 PM
From: gribblejobjoey@sickos.com
Subject: WTF!

DEAR PIECE OF SHIT:

YOU GOD DAMN ASSHOLE!!!!!
Because of you, I'm now being retrenched.
I've fucking worked my ass off at this company every god damn day, and you come along and get the company shut down!

Oh I am so joining the others on the lynch list!
A whole bunch of us are gonna get together and make you suffer so so bad, I swear!

Fuck you man, fuck you!

-A spiteful ex-colleague!

Threat-Retrenched2

Subject: I will make you suffer! Edit

Date: 06/09/2184 4:11 PM
From: craigscrag@sloshmail.com
Subject: I will make you suffer!

Dear Mr/Mrs.Scum Bag:

You will feel pain, you will be in agony, and then you will feel nothing.

Thanks to your god damn incompetence, I've been retrenched.

Now that I have lots of time on my hands, I will make it my personal mission to make you suffer in every way posssible!

You better watch your back! I will come down on you like an avenging angel with the fury of a thousand suns!

I look forward to pouncing upon you from the shadows like a sneaky shadow thing.

I'll be waiting, and I hope you will be too!

-One jobless avenging angel!

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